On that fateful day when I delivered my daughter, is when my brain started to experience a thing as if a shutdown. I was just a second year student at the university, not even aware of how to feed a baby except the little knowledge I picked from the movies.  After all the cleaning was done and the midwife handed me this little bunch of joy, I looked at this human in my hands with terror.

Of course my mother had been so disappointed and didn’t want anything to do with the conundrum. The boyfriend who was now the father had walked out on me first thing when the results returned. I don’t even blame him for not showing up, we were just so young and naïve about consequences of what we had engaged in.  Luckily for me, the nurses took on the mantle to mentor me on motherhood and, off I was learning most of it on the job.

The challenges were more than the realisation of making the same mistake twice. Many people reading this will probably judge me for being too slow to learn but hear me out.

After my first baby stepped into infancy, I started trying to get myself back, that’s how I met this man who believed he could change fate for the rest of them. I believed in him, being fresh from a long postpartum trauma period, I craved care, love and protection and doctor love was offering a plus one package.

I took the deal and, there I was in love captured and defenceless. The results were major this time around, I had twins and this time the world didn’t only shake but crumbled upon my head.

My family was exhausted, I hadn’t finished school and the first child hadn’t even finished kindergarten. As I narrate this, my first daughter is thirteen years old and the twins are six years old. What kept me afloat all through this is nothing else but knowing God, I used the time in rejection to build my relationship with God.

Okay, so how do I go from single mum of three to wife, this is what you’re here for and I urge you to take the lessons as a handy guide.

Find yourself

Initially it wasn’t easy to accept the new changes but with guidance from my mother, I took on the challenges. Firstly, I had to let my kids go, so that I could find myself and also give new suitors a chance. You have to create space to be found and to be loved genuinely. Because your kids are the only thing on your mind, you may not reciprocate the affection thus lack of balance. I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk about your kids; he must know from the beginning.

Be honest about your situation.

The people that come into your life now must be willing to love you with what you have, your children are now part of you and you must be open about it with your new person. But this does not mean crowding the person with responsibilities, keep it minimal.

Don’t rush into anything

The fear of being alone for the rest of your life might seem too real now that you have lived it, but don’t rush into another mistake.

Be selective about who you date

You must know what exactly you want, who you want and how you want them to treat you. Don’t get into relationships where it’s all about sex, for whatsoever reasons never walk into a relationship that has red flags from the beginning. This will help you avoid a lot of time wasting.

And when you finally get into the marriage stage, be open to learning and unlearning. My husband didn’t like the way I constantly sent the house help for small things like the remote. Because I was accustomed to asking my kids for such small tasks, it seemed normal but it bothered him. Be open to change in all perspectives.

By N.R